Monochrome
by Tasogare-Taichou
Summary: A 3-part vignette that delves into the thoughts and feelings surrounding the end of the White Invasion arc, when Ichigo loses his shinigami powers. IchiRuki leanings. The first 2 parts are from each of their respective viewpoints, while the third part, Grey Side, is a collection of the thoughts of those close to each of them.
1. Black Side

Title: Monochrome: Black Side

Fandom: Bleach

Character/Pairing: Kurosaki Ichigo, with hints of IchiRuki

Rating: PG

Summary: Aizen is defeated, and everything is back to normal. But is normal really enough? This is Ichigo's thoughts on his current situation.

"Like hell I'd be."

The words found their way out, past his lips even though he'd never admit they tasted sour as he said them. But that was the truth, wasn't it? Everything had gone back to normal, back to the way that it should have been to start with. Everyone in their rightful places, the conduit between the worlds - at least as far as he was concerned - closed.

But was that really how it was meant to be?

Of course it was, he told himself, and that was the reasoning he always held to whenever one of his friends would bring up his days as a shinigami. Whenever they'd bring up _her_. He always responded the same way, brushed it off with the same flippant lack of concern and reminded them that Rukia was where she belonged, that she was fine that way, and besides... she wasn't assigned to Karakura so it was stupid to think that she'd stop back by for a visit.

Not as though he'd be able to see her anyway.

It had been harder at first, but then he'd expected that. Harder to get used to the lack of sensation, the knowledge that now _he_ was the one on the outside. The 'normal' one. It had been harder still to accept that he was cut off from his friends, cut off from Soul Society.

Cut off from Rukia.

It was stupid to think about it, to dwell on it. He'd expected it to happen, and beyond that, it wasn't like things really could have stayed forever the way they'd been, right? He didn't think so, but it was still hard to deny the small portion of his mind that would have liked that. That would have enjoyed spending the rest of his school days walking beside her, that actually... _missed_ the fighting, the hunting... the camaraderie.

He could still see her face.

She probably thought he hadn't noticed, she could be dumb like that, but he'd seen the way her eyes had glistened for just a moment before she'd forced a smile and nodded at him. And even through the now-short orange fringe, he'd been able to catch the faint tremor in her shoulders, the way her mouth tightened even as her image swam from his vision for what he knew should have been the last time. The last goodbye.

But... he couldn't forget it.

No matter what he knew, what he understood, he couldn't shake that face from his mind, and he couldn't put aside that one simple fact that nagged at the back of his mind. That fact in and of itself made little sense to him, or at least... little enough sense if he continued to face away from what everyone else seemed hell-bent on reminding him of.

He missed her.

Missed her more than he'd have thought possible, more than he'd even realized - if the last time they'd parted had been any indication of missing her - and this time... she wasn't coming back. But then, that was the way things were supposed to be, wasn't it? She hadn't shown her face around Karakura since then, though he couldn't help but wonder why. Likely, she'd simply decided to move on with her life, move on and let him get on with his. After all, she'd always said how much she regretted dragging him into 'her problems'. Feh, like he'd ever done anything he didn't want to do in the first place.

But then, that was the problem with Rukia.

She'd never understood. Never realized that everything he did, every battle he fought and every risk he took... had been his choice. It had been for his family, for his friends, for himself... and somewhere along the way, it had become about her. About her more than anything else, and the aching sting of regret made him realize only now just _how_ much it had been about her.

He wasn't supposed to feel that way.

He'd never _asked_ for this, hell he'd spent the better part of his life looking for a normal life, a life where he didn't see ghosts, where spirits didn't bother him here and there and everywhere. And now that he had it... why did it feel so insubstantial? So... lackluster?

It felt... empty.

Sighing, he pushed away from the fence, nodding to Keigo. It didn't really matter, did it? She was gone, his shinigami powers were gone, he was... normal. Just as he'd been before, hell _better_ then he'd been before, and things... things would keep going that way. He'd fought and risked his life for peace, and now that it was there... it had been a worthwhile sacrifice.

Hadn't it?


	2. White Side

Title: Monochrome: White Side

Fandom: Bleach

Character/Pairing: Kuchiki Rukia, with hints of IchiRuki

Rating: PG

Summary: Rukia hasn't been back to Karakura in over a year. Or... has she? This is Rukia's thoughts on Ichigo's current state.

"Like hell I'd be."

She'd have been lying if she'd tried to say the words hadn't cut, hadn't bitten deep into the emotionless and serene facade that she cultivated so carefully since that day. Since that moment when she'd seen his eyes change, seen the comprehension seep from them as she slipped from his vision, fading away into nothingness as she did to everyone else.

To every other normal human soul.

She'd said farewell, told him to wish the others well, and even then, the words rang hollow in her ears, dropping like footfalls amidst the silence that seemed to permeate everything. Perhaps it had been a blessing then, that his vision had remained clouded, empty. That he hadn't looked her in the eye as she faded from his sight. That there had been no chance for him to catch the way her teeth caught lower lip just so faintly, the way her eyes shimmered perhaps a slight bit more than normal as she'd swallowed down the pain and the sorrow and watched him move on.

At least... she hoped he'd moved on.

He'd certainly seemed to, taking his life in stride and going right back to his normal routine, but that didn't mean she didn't check up on him. Careful to keep out of sight, not from his eyes, but from those eyes around him that were no longer blind to her presence, no longer dumb and ignorant as to the workings of the multiple interlaced worlds.

Because even if _he_ couldn't see her, _they_ could. And that... wasn't what she wanted. Or at least... it wasn't what she told herself she wanted. And what she wanted... was what was best for him, wasn't it? This was what he'd always wanted, what - despite the fact that he'd never voiced it to her - he'd always strived for and craved.

Normalcy.

The return to the simple, contented existence he'd been leading before she had come careening into his life and knocked it so far off-kilter that a mere boy had been forced to become a man before he was ready, that a human teenager should have been forced to fight not only for his own world, but for other worlds as well.

It was unfair, monstrously unfair that he'd been forced to, but... the ultimate unfairness, in Kuchiki Rukia's opinion... was that she couldn't feel remorse for it. Not to say that she didn't regret involving him in her world's problems - she did - but... no matter how much she wished to deny it, she couldn't lie to herself.

She was glad it had happened, and that soft feeling brought with it stabbing, nausea-inducing waves of guilt. It was _wrong_, so wrong to be thankful for something that had brought him so much pain and strife, that had nearly_ killed_ him on multiple different occasions by dragging him into the forefront of a war that he hadn't even belonged in in the first place.

Even now, she felt the guilt, the twisting, gnawing ache as she watched him from her vantage point on the rooftops, safe from Keigo's prying eyes. At least the brunette - for all his renewed sensitivity - didn't know the first thing about sensing or recognizing reiatsu, so she didn't have to worry about him knowing she was there if he couldn't actually _see_ her. Ishida... was another story, but she'd already run into the Quincy on one of her many trips back and the only response she'd gotten had been a level stare for a moment before he'd nodded and been on his way. Apparently he either didn't care... or wasn't going to interfere.

Violet eyes shifted back to the familiar head of orange hair where he leaned back against the chain-link fence. He'd grown, gotten taller, shoulders broadening out a bit, though she could still see that supple, coiled strength in him. Training as a shinigami had done him a favour, a portion of her brain spoke up, and she bit back the hot flash of jealousy at the realization that she was unlikely to be the only one noticing it.

Tearing her eyes back to his face, she studied his eyes, biting her lip and wincing when she heard him dismiss her so easily. It... was better that way, wasn't it? Despite Keigo's well-intentioned words, this was how she wanted it, and beyond that... this was how HE wanted it. Her presence in his life had been nothing but an inconvenience, a brief surcease from normalcy that he was well glad to be rid of. And... rightly so.

So... shouldn't she feel happy?

Rukia thought she ought to, that she ought to feel - if nothing else - a bittersweet fondness for the time they'd shared together, and a satisfied contentment that now the boy - man, he'd grown up too much for her to consider him a boy anymore - that she'd grown to care so deeply for could now have what he'd wanted so badly. He could have a normal life, a normal future.

A life... without her.

But if that was the case... then why did she feel so empty, so... hollow? Sucking in a deep breath, the petite shinigami stood up, sparing one last glance for the one she'd given her heart to, the one... who would never know how deeply she cared for him. That was why, after all. Why she'd gone to such lengths to break contact, to stay away and not interfere. It wasn't fair, after all. He deserved that much from her, from _all_ of them. He deserved a normal life, a normal future. A future that didn't include fighting, risking his life, chasing monsters in the night. A future of life and light and laughter.

A future... that didn't include her.


End file.
